( he's not going to say that he hasn't been his second in a long time, not since he started freezing him and everyone else out. he became the singular voice. if you didn't listen, there was the highway.
dean's not sure what he needs. to stay on his feet. to not wake up screaming. or with a hand around his knife. he knows he can try. he knows he can slowly build trust up again. on both sides. he wants that. he thinks he wants that. in reality, he doesn't know what he wants.
not since the world became his caged oyster. because make no mistake. they're in a cage.
but they're alive.
he lets go finally, able to give what he's able to give. acknowledgment. words. more words than he's given in a long time. the speeches are hard. and its been a long time since he's given one. it feels good on his skin at least. even if he sees himself as unrecognizable right now. )
We've all been there.
( scared. nowhere to turn. dean just takes it differently.
he can't say Cas shouldn't be because he doesn't know. he's too new. too green. too broken. )
[ he knows he hasn't been dean's second in quite a long time — that's why he wants to be that again.
but, he was, once.
and he supposes that's all he can really ask for. ]
Yeah.
[ of course they have. and he's ashamed of himself anyway. he should be better than this; he should know better by now. when dean lets go of his hand, his arm falls back to his side, and he turns toward the countertop to reach for the beer he left untouched. he takes a drink, glancing askance at dean. ]
I was, uh. Making quota with Cas. Haven't had sex with anyone else in a while.
[ it's part of the explanation for why he was — is — so afraid, and why his fear made him blurt out his confession in the worst way possible. he has to imagine dean would be confused, otherwise, not knowing the connection between these two seemingly disparate topics. ]
( several things go through his mind. gives new meaning to the term: fucking yourself. angel-on-angel. and the severity of what he's saying. it's the severity he latches onto, because he knows how this place works. but he's not a shrink or a social worker, and he's pepped enough talk today. )
You got a whole city at your disposal and you choose to look in the mirror?
( he supposes there are weirder and grosser kinks. he can see that cas feels safe with himself - the other himself - so he softens to that, his expression giving way to the fatigue he suddenly feels.
but cas is more an expert on this place than he is. )
[ it makes him laugh, what dean chooses to say. yeah, he chose to look in the mirror. that's funny, isn't it? he crooks a smile dean's way, and takes another drink as he continues to speak, letting the the cool fizz of the beer roll down his throat and clear away some of the heat of his desperation. ]
The first time wasn't on purpose. We were both compelled — Had no choice, really. But I like him, and more importantly, I know him. And we've got sexual chemistry like crazy.
[ an absurd thing to say, but that's the point.
he sobers, and then shrugs, trying to cast off the pall. ]
I dunno. There's nothing stopping me from choosing to have sex with him, exclusively. There'll be things that take the choice away, but what does that matter, really? Even if I was branching out, I'd still get forced. Compelled. Whatever. Everyone does.
( he just shakes his head, makes a face. he can fast forward at any time, he doesn't need to hear about the ins and outs of the angelcest. cas moves on, at least, so he purses his lips, listening. )
Yeah. So, wouldn't you want it to be your choice when it can be?
( him not withstanding goes unsaid with the gesture. )
You don't have other people knocking down your door? A -- guy like you?
( he went through his fair share on the camp, right? sure, circumstances were worse but if he can there, why can't he here? )
I do want it to be my choice. I'm making a choice.
[ castiel shrugs with one shoulder, then smiles over at dean. ]
"A guy like me"? What does that mean?
[ but— ]
Yeah, there are plenty of people who're willing. I even like a lot of them. But, y'know, the sex was like the drugs for me. Enjoyable, sure, but also a means to an end. And right now, after what happened, I'm not in the mood to be pawed at by near strangers, no matter how well-meaning they are. Doesn't mean I won't do it if I have to, but— I don't want to.
( yeah, him or the mirror, but he's not saying that out loud. isn't that what people say? he has his appeal. don't they all. he's also not the authority on 'pawing' vs romance or anything in between. )
Then maybe bridge it. The sex, the drugs. Find your middle. Fine what you really want. And maybe avoid all the aphros if you don't want to be pawed at.
The apho makes it easier when there's no other choice. At that point, you just don't care.
[ he takes another drink. ]
I don't think there's a middle ground with me and the drugs. Besides, it's not gonna change how I feel about sex. I gorged myself because I was desperate to be close to someone and it felt good, but... If you want me to be me, and not just a shell or a mask, I can't go back to all that.
( and he can fully respect it. only cas knows what's good for him.
he wants to say that Cas needs to care, or he won't make it. that Dean needs to care. but he'll still make it if he doesn't. he always does. but, he gets it. the aphro pushes. you don't care because it consumes you.
Yeah. I do know what's me, and it wasn't that. The orgies, the drugs— I was running away. It had its merits, don't get me wrong. And the world was ending, what else could we do? But that wasn't a person.
The only thing real, back there, was me and you.
[ us. or not. however you want to look at it. in his own way, he was content. he knew what was going to happen. he knew how it would end. he gave his life for dean's cause, and he was—
there was a we once, but cas falling back into his 'classes,' didn't fall under 'we' for dean. he agrees that wasn't a person. but even then when he needed him, dean could count on him. he let him have his distractions, what did he care. he had his own.
dean pulled himself out long before that. he took charge. he had to. or, thought he had to. )
Maybe. ( maybe they were.
he studies the bottle in his hand, tearing at the label little by little. ) But, you powered down and we lost our numbers. I never blamed you and it didn't happen like that, but things changed. ( and one thing he never got through dean's head. ) I changed. I had to.
( he became more brutal, more thankless. unfeeling. uncaring. he put it all aside, even them, all to win the war. a war cas was a casualty of. )
[ maybe dean doesn't understand what he's saying. maybe he never will. but that's just how things have to be, or maybe dean will keep changing, like humans do, and one day, inexplicably, figure it all out.
he touches the counter top with his fingertips, smearing the condensation in invisible patterns. ]
We'll figure it out, like you said. But I'm still worried about Cas.
[ he looks at dean askance, and doesn't look away. ]
There's, uh, a detail I've been leaving out about his situation. You might've figured it out already, but...
( he furrows his brow. because, he's tired of riddles and things he can't live up to. which is everyone. how could he. he set such a shit example. and now he's here. he did what he thought was right. and where are they now. )
Jesus, Cas, what else. He gonna wake up powerless, too? What?
( he lost Dean. his Dean. isn't that bad enough, he assumes. )
[ though an expression passes over his face that says, i hope. he's heard stories of people waking up after living years of their lives in their own worlds, and he supposes that, too, is a possibility.
but it's only a possibility. ]
It's just. You said that we've lost people before. He'll move on. But— Dean and him were together. Not just contracted, they'd been together for more than a year. Cas was— [ castiel looks down and away, then. fearful that too much might show on his face, though he knows dean's already got him dead to rights. ] He got what he wanted. A life with Dean. They had a home. And now it's gone. And I know, from what he told me, that he won't get that where he comes from. It's just not possible.
He lost everything.
[ it's an echo. a reiteration. but he thinks it bears repeating. ]
So, uh. Maybe... tread carefully. Y'know. When he wakes up.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2024-10-03 04:58 am (UTC)dean's not sure what he needs. to stay on his feet. to not wake up screaming. or with a hand around his knife. he knows he can try. he knows he can slowly build trust up again. on both sides. he wants that. he thinks he wants that. in reality, he doesn't know what he wants.
not since the world became his caged oyster. because make no mistake. they're in a cage.
but they're alive.
he lets go finally, able to give what he's able to give. acknowledgment. words. more words than he's given in a long time. the speeches are hard. and its been a long time since he's given one. it feels good on his skin at least. even if he sees himself as unrecognizable right now. )
We've all been there.
( scared. nowhere to turn. dean just takes it differently.
he can't say Cas shouldn't be because he doesn't know. he's too new. too green. too broken. )
no subject
Date: 2024-10-03 01:21 pm (UTC)but, he was, once.
and he supposes that's all he can really ask for. ]
Yeah.
[ of course they have. and he's ashamed of himself anyway. he should be better than this; he should know better by now. when dean lets go of his hand, his arm falls back to his side, and he turns toward the countertop to reach for the beer he left untouched. he takes a drink, glancing askance at dean. ]
I was, uh. Making quota with Cas. Haven't had sex with anyone else in a while.
[ it's part of the explanation for why he was — is — so afraid, and why his fear made him blurt out his confession in the worst way possible. he has to imagine dean would be confused, otherwise, not knowing the connection between these two seemingly disparate topics. ]
no subject
Date: 2024-10-05 08:16 pm (UTC)You got a whole city at your disposal and you choose to look in the mirror?
( he supposes there are weirder and grosser kinks. he can see that cas feels safe with himself - the other himself - so he softens to that, his expression giving way to the fatigue he suddenly feels.
but cas is more an expert on this place than he is. )
That's not sustainable here. Is it?
no subject
Date: 2024-10-05 08:23 pm (UTC)The first time wasn't on purpose. We were both compelled — Had no choice, really. But I like him, and more importantly, I know him. And we've got sexual chemistry like crazy.
[ an absurd thing to say, but that's the point.
he sobers, and then shrugs, trying to cast off the pall. ]
I dunno. There's nothing stopping me from choosing to have sex with him, exclusively. There'll be things that take the choice away, but what does that matter, really? Even if I was branching out, I'd still get forced. Compelled. Whatever. Everyone does.
no subject
Date: 2024-10-07 11:00 pm (UTC)Yeah. So, wouldn't you want it to be your choice when it can be?
( him not withstanding goes unsaid with the gesture. )
You don't have other people knocking down your door? A -- guy like you?
( he went through his fair share on the camp, right? sure, circumstances were worse but if he can there, why can't he here? )
no subject
Date: 2024-10-07 11:22 pm (UTC)[ castiel shrugs with one shoulder, then smiles over at dean. ]
"A guy like me"? What does that mean?
[ but— ]
Yeah, there are plenty of people who're willing. I even like a lot of them. But, y'know, the sex was like the drugs for me. Enjoyable, sure, but also a means to an end. And right now, after what happened, I'm not in the mood to be pawed at by near strangers, no matter how well-meaning they are. Doesn't mean I won't do it if I have to, but— I don't want to.
no subject
Date: 2024-10-10 04:49 am (UTC)Then maybe bridge it. The sex, the drugs. Find your middle. Fine what you really want. And maybe avoid all the aphros if you don't want to be pawed at.
no subject
Date: 2024-10-10 10:15 am (UTC)[ it's said softly. that was never the problem. ]
The apho makes it easier when there's no other choice. At that point, you just don't care.
[ he takes another drink. ]
I don't think there's a middle ground with me and the drugs. Besides, it's not gonna change how I feel about sex. I gorged myself because I was desperate to be close to someone and it felt good, but... If you want me to be me, and not just a shell or a mask, I can't go back to all that.
no subject
Date: 2024-10-10 04:15 pm (UTC)( and he can fully respect it. only cas knows what's good for him.
he wants to say that Cas needs to care, or he won't make it. that Dean needs to care. but he'll still make it if he doesn't. he always does. but, he gets it. the aphro pushes. you don't care because it consumes you.
he's jealous of it, if he's honest. )
We'll figure it out.
no subject
Date: 2024-10-10 04:30 pm (UTC)The only thing real, back there, was me and you.
[ us. or not. however you want to look at it. in his own way, he was content. he knew what was going to happen. he knew how it would end. he gave his life for dean's cause, and he was—
he was happy. ]
You always say that.
[ but he's smiling, soft and low. ]
no subject
Date: 2024-10-11 08:49 am (UTC)( he lets him keep talking though.
there was a we once, but cas falling back into his 'classes,' didn't fall under 'we' for dean. he agrees that wasn't a person. but even then when he needed him, dean could count on him. he let him have his distractions, what did he care. he had his own.
dean pulled himself out long before that. he took charge. he had to. or, thought he had to. )
Maybe. ( maybe they were.
he studies the bottle in his hand, tearing at the label little by little. ) But, you powered down and we lost our numbers. I never blamed you and it didn't happen like that, but things changed. ( and one thing he never got through dean's head. ) I changed. I had to.
( he became more brutal, more thankless. unfeeling. uncaring. he put it all aside, even them, all to win the war. a war cas was a casualty of. )
That time? It was all real.
( including how bad it got. )
no subject
Date: 2024-10-11 10:19 am (UTC)[ maybe dean doesn't understand what he's saying. maybe he never will. but that's just how things have to be, or maybe dean will keep changing, like humans do, and one day, inexplicably, figure it all out.
he touches the counter top with his fingertips, smearing the condensation in invisible patterns. ]
We'll figure it out, like you said. But I'm still worried about Cas.
[ he looks at dean askance, and doesn't look away. ]
There's, uh, a detail I've been leaving out about his situation. You might've figured it out already, but...
[ maybe not. ]
no subject
Date: 2024-10-11 06:08 pm (UTC)Jesus, Cas, what else. He gonna wake up powerless, too? What?
( he lost Dean. his Dean. isn't that bad enough, he assumes. )
no subject
Date: 2024-10-11 06:15 pm (UTC)[ though an expression passes over his face that says, i hope. he's heard stories of people waking up after living years of their lives in their own worlds, and he supposes that, too, is a possibility.
but it's only a possibility. ]
It's just. You said that we've lost people before. He'll move on. But— Dean and him were together. Not just contracted, they'd been together for more than a year. Cas was— [ castiel looks down and away, then. fearful that too much might show on his face, though he knows dean's already got him dead to rights. ] He got what he wanted. A life with Dean. They had a home. And now it's gone. And I know, from what he told me, that he won't get that where he comes from. It's just not possible.
He lost everything.
[ it's an echo. a reiteration. but he thinks it bears repeating. ]
So, uh. Maybe... tread carefully. Y'know. When he wakes up.