[ it isn't a long walk down the hall, but some of the panic sloughs off castiel as they walk — he begins to explain, in a steadier voice, what happened. ]
I've been trying to get ahold of him for a couple of days now. At first, I figured he was just busy at work, but after the second day I knew something was ooff— So I tried to get ahold of Dean, because if anyone was gonna know where he is... [ of course it would be dean. ] But the message bounced back.
[ he cuts a quick glance aside. the gravity in his expression says: that's never a good thing. ]
I went to their apartment after that. Nobody was home. Checked in at where they work but nobody had seen them. So I went to the registry—
Dean's not in the city anymore.
And Cas is—
[ he stops in front of a door, and moves forward to open it. there's no dramatic pause. it's just another small, shitty motel-style room on the inside. two beds. castiel lies on one. asleep, seemingly. ]
He's in a coma. I've heard this happens, sometimes. I don't know why.
( dean listens, falling in step, mentally preparing himself. He makes a mental note, if you message someone or call and the three beeps kick in 'we're sorry, the number you have dialed is no longer in service' is bad here. it's never good when someone falls off the face of the earth, of course, and he hasn't lived with a real working phone system for long, one he can rely on. but he remembers hunting. and he remembers losing hunter contacts.
castiel did a lot of detective work.
he sees the seams around the man, the curated blaisser attitude anything but as he's practically frantic.
but he's also impressed.
feels bad for the former angel turned angel again that this was his life. he'd stopped by the soul cellar, but had he noticed if the other cas or dean weren't there? he too has just been going through the motions.
first dean looks inside. the door opens and the shitty tableau comes into focus.
then he approaches. he looks back once at his castiel, and then back, and he lowers himself to a crouch, studying the other cas. )
You said you went back home. For a month. ( he turns his head back again, questioning. logic - to a point - he can do. he can work in facts. not figures, really. but the facts he knew were so specific, and so fucked, for so long. ) Could this be that?
Edited (when i get a word wrong smdh) Date: 2024-09-27 02:16 pm (UTC)
[ castiel moves into the room after dean, hovering in the center, facing castiel's body, hands in his pockets. he isn't impressed with himself, but he's at least not ashamed that he managed to get this far before inevitably calling on dean. that's not something he's ashamed over, either. needing the support. he, too, has nothing left now, save for dean, and if dean hadn't arrived last month—
well, add it to the long list of things he doesn't want to think about. ]
I don't think it's same. [ there's disappointment in his voice. he would clearly like for it to be. ] I was gone, like Dean is gone now. Everyone thought I'd gone for good— Cas was upset about that, too.
[ they'd only known each other a month. but they were also the same person, so really, they'd known each other for a lifetime. castiel takes a deep breath and lets it out, slow, through his nose. ]
The last time I heard of this happening, the guy just... wasted away.
( cas shouldn't be ashamed of calling him. wherever they are, they still have a responsibility to each other, even if it's unspoken.
dean inspects cas' body, his facial expression. despite the other dean being gone as his cas says, he's not giving up on this cas. )
Sometimes they wake up.
( he's not pep-talking again, and this isn't a panic attack on either end. but, he only has so much in him. he wishes he could bring the darkness out of castiel, can't take away anything he's been through, but he feels fundamentally different here than of what he remembers. but, if he's honest with himself, all he remembers is a drug-addled blind devotion. )
And you came back. ( so Dean could come back. he finally leans back and rises to his feet again. he wants to say anything that happens, they'll get through it. they always do. did they cheat death? he doesn't know. can cas? this cas? ) So, without the other Dean, he's uncontracted and they move him into this shithole. Great caretaking.
( that he hates more. )
I know you're scared. And I know this place hasn't given you a fair shake. ( he pauses, blinking only briefly. ) I'm barely on my feet here and some days I don't even know if I am here. But I am. And so are you. And Cas, until his body says otherwise, is here. He's asleep. And you can worry. But, you can't let this consume you. Look, I like you off drugs. You're real. Nothing against your orgies, but, you coped how you coped. I'm not knocking it. But, you found your thing. You had your solace and you had your loyalty and I want that for you here. ( he tilts his head, real concern etched on his face. ) I'm worried about you, man. And I know there's no one bandaid that'll fix it all. And I know you've been through shit. We don't wait for the worst case scenario. It's not what we do. Maybe, maybe think of this - all of this - as your new beginning. And it started out like shit. You know, it was like a freakin Monday. But, I'm here. And it's Wednesday. And there will be more Mondays. There are always more Mondays. But, there are other days of the week. Other months. Actual, ass-backwards holidays here. And, shit to look forward to. End of the day, I can't have you hopeless. Cause I won't make it. Maybe it was misplaced, ( or foolish ) or, something else, but it's what we had there. And there's no reason we can't have it here. I need you to hope for something Cas. Hope for the other Castiel to wake up. If Dean is gone - we know he's got something to get back to. Means there's still work to do. Maybe. Maybe our work gets to be done.
( he's not saying he's going to lay down and take it, like he's not going to try and free everyone eventually. but maybe there's a way to move forward here. he doesn't know, does he. but only one way they can find out. )
[ he knows that dean is worried about him— and he should be. god, he should be. the only tether left keeping him above water is dean. if he were to be snatched away too, after just coming back within his grasp, he knows he wouldn't make it. (not that he has much choice but to live. which, ironically, makes it easier to give up, most days, than it would be if not.)
but something in his face softens at dean's words. they're surprisingly hopeful, after the five years they've had. maybe it's because lucifer isn't breathing down their necks, here. maybe it's because sam isn't tangled up in all this mess. or maybe dean is just tired of the way he was living before.
the reason doesn't matter. it matters that dean is saying these things to him. ]
You have me.
[ is the first thing he thinks to say. ]
Not saying there's no reason to be worried about me. But you have me. It's, um. Gonna be hard, though. Cas— Cas didn't have any hope for his future. He'd seen the whole thing. All the way up to his death. He'll have some time, at least, but...
[ it's a tragedy, plain and simple. thinking about it makes his guts knot and tangle. he shifts his weight from one heel to the other, crossing his arms across his chest as he frowns down at castiel's body. his eyes linger for a moment on the ring that he wears on his left hand. ]
Dean... If this is gonna be a new start. If you want me to think of it like that. There are some things we need to talk about.
( he doesn't fight that he needs to have him, that Cas can be his own man now, his own angel, but he can also make his own choices. he also doesn't say that they have each other. because, isn't that unspoken between them?
or not.
the conversation shifts and dean shoves it in the back of his mind. other castiel will now be a project, too. it may not have been clear to them, or even to his other self, but dean survived because he had hope. if he had had no hope, than he wouldn't have been able to survive for all long as he had. carve what he could out of what was left.
dean does notice the other, unoccupied for the moment, bed. knowing this isn't their room, or space.
besides, it felt weird having a whole serious conversation in front of cas, comatose or not. dean still believes he's in there. so he's gonna respect that. )
Maybe we should pick this up back at my place. Give his new roommate some space.
[ he looks reluctant. not because he doesn't want to leave — it's depressing, hanging around here — but he's worried for cas' safety. he's going to have to find out who his roommate is and check in with them. and, if he isn't satisfied, drag castiel to his own room for safe keeping. there are things he wants to say to dean, things he wants to tell him about castiel's situation, but he isn't sure if it's better or not if he wait.
that's castiel's business, after all.
cas drags his eyes away and nods in agreement. ]
Let's go.
[ they take the stairs down. castiel stops at his own room to grab his coat before they ship off, walking shoulder to shoulder as they make their way to the elevator. but nobody bothers them, or even gives them so much as a second glance. they're let out into the grand, sprawling city minutes later, and by then it's only a short trip to the station. they find their seats on the train, and castiel kneels, smoothly, to sit by dean's feet.
the gawking looks of expectation and disapproval turn away from them when castiel makes it clear he's following by their rules. but he almost seems in his element, down here. relaxed and a little boneless, the way he leans in and his chest brushes dean's shin.
he sighs and rests his elbow against the bench seat. ]
( Dean lays a hand on the other Cas' shoulder, and upper chest, like he did once before with him, and then follows Cas out. he closes the door behind them and makes a mental note of the room number.
down the stairs they go, dean giving his Castiel a minute in his room, taking one look inside. dump doesn't begin to cover it, but that's how they get people to contract, he figures.
they walk in silence, making it to the elevator. because Cas is in the presence of another Dominant, they don't question him. they only get the tell-tale looks of disappointment considering neither of them is contracted. but Dean is still a Dominant and they respect that.
the city comes into view and they're led out.
on the train, Dean forgets the hierarchy and almost says something with Castiel at his feet. but, when he's reminded that other people are doing the same, and some are in each other's laps, he can't help but roll his eyes at the performative nature of this place. he puts a hand on his castiel's shoulder next. yeah, yeah, he too is playing his part. )
He didn't lose everything. He's been there. We've lost people. It's a part of the job.
( he compartmentalizes it, sure, and this isn't what their job used to be. not at all. but it's how it works in his mind. )
What'd I say about hope. You think that doesn't include him.
[ a performance, yeah. but a performance he can couch himself inside. he closes his eyes at the warm press of a hand to his shoulder, his entire chest a dull ache. he might straighten his back and tip up his chin for dean, but he doesn't know that his counterpart will fall into line. they've led very, very different lives, and castiel— he got what he wanted, at least in part. perhaps not the ideal version of what he wanted, but who gets what's ideal? who gets what they deserve, ever?
he opens his eyes. ]
He might not listen to you.
He might not want anything to do with you.
[ he knows castiel, this castiel, better than dean does. maybe better than his dean did, too.
cas blinks. watches dean. ]
But I hope that's not how things go. I was... thinking you might contract him, actually. Temporarily. Help him get the apartment back. I know he has the money for it.
And, uh. If you contract us both, I can stay with him. Take care of him.
( he might not. he may say 'to hell with it.' overtime, castiel became something more than the angel who raised him from perdition. he became an ally. a friend. and then he was stripped of everything that made him cas - and he became the yoga leader and the orgy-organizer.
even for a short time, he could tell that that Castiel and that Dean were important enough to one another to sign on the dotted line.
there's a good word, though. a buzzword they should hang onto. hope. he hopes. he better keep hoping.
that said. )
Is it that easy?
( would he want that? and then. )
You want me to sign you both. ( for him? for the other castiel? he studies him. ) You know you have more here. You don't have to go all in on me.
( it's hilarious how opposite this sentiment is. from the other night with the panic attack, from him basically saying they're all a unit. )
[ oh, dean. you're a funny guy. castiel tries not to smile, because he doesn't want dean to think he's laughing at him — but he's ridiculous to think that he has anything else here that he actually cares about. and yes, he does track that opposing sentiment. it's not like he was drunk that night. just having a panic attack.
if dean weren't here, he wouldn't bother at all. maybe for cas, he would— but if cas wastes away...
but hope, yeah. that damned thing. ]
To the end of October. These comas, when they do wake up, tend to last about a month — maybe more, sometimes. So I should be free by the time he's up and at'em.
Besides— Maybe I wanna go all in on you. That is, if you wanna contract me too. There aren't a lot of people in this world I'd trust myself to, Dean, and I already chose you when I decided not to go back to Heaven. It's an easy choice.
( over time. slowly. but this cas, it doesn't remind him of either. it's like there are third and fourth and fifth versions of them just waiting to be sprung. but, he knows he has to be present, knows he has to be there for this cas. )
I'm not saying no. I'm also not saying I'm going to be good at it.
( when has he taken care of someone?
sam. his brother. he practically raised the kid. this isn't that. then why does it feel like that. why does it feel like, again, he's left to himself. to himself and cas, while Dean - and even the other Cas - are off doing god knows what.
but he reminds himself it's not the same, nobody is their dad. )
I knew what was going to happen. I stayed because I wanted to stay.
[ not out of obligation. not out of duty. though he wanted as much as dean did to save their world, and rip lucifer's claws from the earth. they didn't do that. they didn't make it. but they're here, now. dean is here. he's right here.
he hooks his fingers around dean's ankle and squeezes. ]
You've done a pretty good job so far.
But it's okay if you're not. We'll both have to learn.
[ just like how he'll have to learn to hope again. to flex that muscle. to remember that feeling. ]
( he could argue this back and forth. he stayed because he had nothing else. because the angels up and left and lucifer arose. he stayed because he was the black sheep. because dicks like zachariah and uriel couldn't look at him the same. but, he's not going to call him out on that. this isn't about breaking him down. cas can lie to himself all he wants.
and it cans still be true. not having anywhere to go can also make it true to want to stay. )
Literally. Never thought I'd be going back to school once a month. Think I should try to get an in with the teacher? Probably wouldn't be frowned upon here.
( he settles into natural banter, banter like he might have with sam.
if he admitted to himself, he missed sam. he always did. he locked him in a box because he said yes and then he was lost to him forever but how can't he miss his goddamn brother. )
[ they could argue back and forth forever. they're good at it. but if dean's right about one thing, it's that he was the black sheep. he's never had anything as deliberate or as intense as he does with dean, as he did with dean then, even before he fell and rebelled and tossed it all away. he was angry, he wouldn't deny that. he was angry that they let lucifer free. he wanted to go home.
but then sam disappeared, and dean needed him, and it was— it was different. everything was different, after that. he knows dean misses his brother. he knows he's a poor replacement, if he's any replacement at all. but it gave them something new in common: their families ripped out of them by an inexact surgeon, leaving the bloody gaping wound forever raw.
and then the angels abandoned the earth, and— fuck them. and fuck god, too, for abandoning him with all the rest.
dean is the only one left who hasn't.
unless you count that imperious march to the death. and castiel doesn't. dean was just giving him what he wanted — whether he knew it it or not. ]
Frowned upon? It's probably encouraged.
[ castiel lets his eyes drift closed, and leans a little harder against dean's shin. soon enough, the train rolls to a stop, and calls the name of dean's neighborhood. ]
( they sit in silence again, before dean gets to his feet and pulls Cas up with him. hands on his shoulders, he walks them back out into the clearer air of the Up.
letting go, he falls into step with him along his usual route back to the Up tower.
back inside, he drops his keys in the little bowl (what a waste of a piece of ... decoration?) and shrugs off his jacket. he tosses it over the couch with a sigh. he knows he was trying to stay straight. but one beer won't hurt.
and so wordlessly, he moves into the kitchen. he takes two beers out. the opener practically lives on the counter and not in the drawer, so he makes quick work of both caps. returning to cas, he offers him the beer and clinks his' neck against cas' )
[ the walk up is becoming rote by now. he follows dean wordlessly, lost in thought after their lapse into silence, trying not to wonder what life might have been like if the world they lived in back home wasn't dying in real time. there's no point in that, though. not if he wants to hold onto this fragile feeling.
he watches dean get out the beers with his hip leaned against the side of the counter, and takes what's offered to him, arm outstretched, the necks of their bottles making a bright, hollow sound that echoes in the apartment, empty other than them. ]
Okay.
[ he tries to smile. tries to make it say 'i believe you'. dean is trying for him. that means a lot.
but the beer, and the mention of castiel, reminds him of the other, as yet unmentioned topic. ]
Uh... what I wanted to talk about before...
It's actually not directly related to the contracts. I was gonna bring it up either way.
( he goes through the mail he'd emptied earlier today on the counter. junk, junk. LIEs something or other. he sets his beer down and uses a finger to tear open the envelope, pulling out the card.
not the time for that, he thinks, tucking it back in. )
Well, spit it out. What did you want to talk to me about?
[ it works in his favor, because the lack of dean's full attention gives him a boost of confidence that overrides the sinking, squirming feeling in his gut. he rarely, if ever, asks for what he really wants. dean kept him supplied back at camp with the things that he used to cope, but that was— that was different. this isn't that kind of request.
it isn't that kind of want.
castiel takes a deep breath. it's strange, how he can feel his own heart beating inside his chest. ]
( he gets nothing at first, no change in his demeanor or his expression, as if he's waiting for cas to come out again with a laugh, ashton kutcher-style. you've been punked! but nothing happens. he stands there - hopeful like dean wanted him to be. he set this into motion. or, maybe, he set this into motion back at camp. when they had their late night chats. the nights he let himself drink into oblivion because he lost another friend. the memories are hazy, but they're there. he does wonder if they're more important to cas than they were to him.
if he was honest with himself, he knew a long time ago his sexuality was a lot more complicated. but, the apocalypse and a decided lack of time to focus on such things meant that everything else landed on the backburner. even any deeper feeling he had about, well, anything.
so, to be confronted with it head on. here. to strap back into fearless leader mode again, after a couple weeks of shaking that Dean off. he doesn't know.
he knows being with Cas back at camp felt good. all sex felt good, it was sex. he knows he couldn't bask in it. he had to get up, had to lace his boots, had to move on to the next mission, problem, opportunity. it wasn't about cas because it couldn't be about cas. just like it wasn't about jane or maura or any of the other girls at camp.
but would they ask him that here? would they be important enough to end up here to say it outright, like that? )
Gee, buy a guy dinner first, Cas.
( he doesn't know if it's the transactional - matter-of-fact nature of what he's just been told. but.
it doesn't ring great.
apparently he has feelings about this. )
Please tell me you don't approach everyone like that. And, if you do, I'd love to hear your success rate, 'cause I've been doing it wrong my entire life in that case.
( would it be different if Cas came out and said he liked him. that dean made him safe. that he doesn't feel good with anyone else. that he doesn't know what he would do without him? he knows all of that so why does dean want to hear it. why does he need to.
and why does he know it's going to push him away because he shouldn't like someone like that, trust someone like that. )
[ he expects worse than what he gets. at least it's not a no, flat and resentful, but the anxiety spiking up his stomach and into his spine crawls down into his fingers and makes them feel numb. he doesn't know how much honesty is too much honesty in this case, and he's weighing the balance now, trying to decide how much to say and how much to keep close to his chest. one thing he's absolutely certain of is: dean won't like it if he just comes out and says how he feels. he has no idea if dean feels the same way. if he'd let himself feel the same way.
maybe, one day, they can get there. but for now— ]
I've never asked anyone for this before.
[ for sex, yes. a sexual relationship? the closest thing he has is with castiel. there are no other regulars. occasional flings, people who are almost friends. maybe. he blinks several times. his hands are shaking, a little, and he tightens his grip on the bottle until his fingertips turn white. he can't remember the last time he was this nervous.
it's almost refreshing, for something to actually matter this much to him. ]
I'm asking because this is something I want for myself.
With you.
If this is supposed to be a new start. Like you said. I can't just keep hoping you'll get drunk enough, like how it used to go.
[ of course those nights meant more to him.
they always do. ]
And I don't want it to be like that anymore in the first place. I want it to be— [ his fingers tighten on the bottle. if were still an angel, it might shatter. he feels more brittle. ] —real.
( he's not trying to dismiss him, but he feels like he needs to recover from the blunt attempt at -- what? sex? courtship? he wants a sexual relationship? it's all dean's done lately, fuck buddies who know each other and then resent each other and then everyone is free. this wouldn't be that.
he's not oblivious, he can see how nervous he is. the small spikes of anxiety. his dismissive nature probably isn't helping things along. why is he so surprised this is what he asked, anyway? and is he? surprised?
he sighs.
those nights were few and far between and maybe at the very back of his mind he knew what they meant to him. but he could never carry that, not if he wanted everyone to survive another day. to sort through how it made him feel? how safe and taken care of he felt? if not safe, quiet. for once his mind was quiet. it must be like what cas has here. no angel radio. no intrusive thoughts. he knows it's not like that for cas, though. )
I - ( he knows he needs to be careful. and needs to -- know how he feels before he even - he sighs. ) I get it. Tact never really sunk in, even in human flavor Cas. ( that he can see. ) It's not that I - ( he pauses, trying to pick another lane. ) I don't want to hurt you.
( he feels like it's all he's able to do. hurt people. because? hurt people hurt people. )
You don't just want sex, Cas. You want more. Relationship. And I don't -- ( know if he can even do that.
but a bone he can throw? that he owes him. ) I was never that drunk. Couldn't afford to be. Shit hits the fan. ( and he has to be up. ready. ) Tolerance like mine never goes away and - ( is he -- proud of that? no. ) We didn't just drink - or - we talked. And we laughed. You were still the former angel and you say funny shit, Cas. Always did. It's why I'm worried about you here. Because, even under the influence, you kept me sane. And you made me laugh.
( late at night. drinking. )
You want a sexual relationship, but you want a relationship. I can sign a contract. I can - we - ( he pauses. ) I can promise safety. And, a roof. And your confidence. I'm not going anywhere. I'm not looking for something else, but I know how this city works. And I know who I am. And I don't know what else I can promise. And ( he decides to say the rest. ) if you do better as trying to seduce me, better than wanting a sexual relationship, dude. We've been there. And I would again. Not tonight, not -- ( he can't help but smirk. ) Points for trying. But. The best I can give you right now is I don't know. I don't know what else there is.
( he couldn't have it. he couldn't let himself have it. )
[ he rubs his thumb and forefinger into his eyes until they burn. ]
And yeah, I know my approach needs work.
[ castiel smiles, wry. he almost laughs. it's there in the vibration of his voice and on the tip of his tongue, but he can't quite force the sound out. there are fine tremors running down the muscles of his arms, making his fingers twitch around the bottle. he has to set it down, and he frowns at himself for his weakness, but even as he reels with the shock of dean's knowledge, his attention is entirely for dean. the things he's saying. the things he means, behind the things he's saying. this isn't easy for him either, that doesn't escape him — he wants to make it easier.
he just doesn't know how.
when dean is finished, he casts his eyes down. licking his lips in a learned nervous gesture. he chews the inside of his cheek. habits he picked up from dean, maybe. or from someone else in camp. chuck was full of nervous gestures, wasn't he? ]
I'm glad you weren't that drunk.
[ his voice is hushed, as his eyes dart up. ]
You don't have to promise me anything else. [ you don't have to promise anything, he wants to say. but he can't. ] It's just. Well. As much fun as seduction is, I don't want to have to seduce you every time. What if— What if I fuck up? [ his heart trips over the thought, and he interjects on himself, ] I'm afraid of fucking up. Isn't it easier if we're honest with each other? I'd like to be able to ask you, if I need you. And the same for you. Not tonight, that's fine— But I just want to be able to say it.
You're right. [ as miserable as he is to admit it, now, when he had hoped to do this under completely different circumstances. ] I want a relationship. But that's not what I'm asking you for. I'm not even sure I'm capable of having the kind of relationship you're taking about. What I'm asking you for is... is support. For, um. Intimacy.
[ castiel gestures, abortive. he takes a step toward dean, reacing out, looking at dean and not quite looking, his mouth a nervous twist as he glances up through his eyelashes. ]
But I want to be safe, too, when this place forces me to do things I'd rather not do. It's frustrating, Dean. I want this to be about us, but the city is never going to let us be.
( look, dean's been here. been the cas in this situation, but he did it differently and he did it shamelessly. it's been a minute, but he remembers. and he wasn't always the suave casanova he became. he was a kid once. he was insecure. he was also taking care of sam or at a halfway house for boys or on a job and had a weight he always carried.
he can see the weight in cas' eyes, his billion year existence. dean failing everyone, for feeling like he did, failing his brother. and then the weight of not being anymore. camp angel started to mean something else.
but he can also see the other weight, the horror and the reality of what it's been like. to live here. and it just about breaks his heart.
had he not known? not understood his tolerance? not understood he liked his company? even after his grace faded. even after he stepped aside as his number two because it became too dangerous. dean thought cas would always be a soldier first, but can hardly blame him for seeking something else. seeking a high. it wasn't his place to say anything and if he was back at camp, then he was safe.
the quick pace of his heart slows down. cas is as lost as he is, so at least that's true between them. that's real.
they have intimacy. he's honest with himself about that. less than they used to and even then, way way back, it was cas' forced 'being right there' that did it, that gave way to being brothers in arms. against the world - literally. he's asking for a lot in a very rudimentary way but it helps to hear the building blocks that he needs. now if only he were better with words
he reaches his hand out, grasping cas'. tightly. )
You're safe. When it comes to me. You're safe.
( he'd go out of his way not to hurt cas and to not get him hurt. he's proven that. sure, they don't always make the best calls. and they hurt each other. and they isolate. and they fuck up and come back the fuck together. and then they separated for the last time. he still hasn't asked. he assumes. he knows what comes next. and it's a part of why he's so hell bent on going on to the next.
the 'us' trips him up, because is he good enough to even be a part of an 'us,' even in name only. in intimacy. in a relationship by any other name but smells like -- support. support, dean can do. )
I'm not saying I need you to seduce me. Or, vice versa. You ever see me sprinkle rose petals up to a bed? Buy a bear holding a heart in a bucket of candy? ( he pauses. ) Scratch the bear. Keep the candy. ( he reracks his mind again, like a pool table. ) You're gonna fuck up like I'm gonna fuck up. ( you think he landed every babe he came across on the road? yes. almost every, but not every. ) But, if we're going to do this, then, yeah, you have to be honest, you have to say the hard thing. And the hard thing is -- you're saying 'Us.' And, being an 'Us' with me. I don't know how it's going to go. I know I'm going to fuck it up. I know this city is going to fuck it up. But, what we need to remember. You. Me. Keep our eye on the prize, cause we know each other. I'm - sorry I didn't see this. I didn't see anything back there. I saw what was in front of me, I heard hoofbeats and that's all I could see.
( somewhere along the line, he stopped seeing Cas. they were one at one time. he taught him how to lead. stood by his side. stepped up. he never forgot him, never stopped caring about his friend.
but he iced over. slowly but surely, piece by piece. with every death. every new infection. he couldn't afford not to. )
But, I see you here, man. And I'm going to try. To be better. To be a person. The kind of person you need.
( the kind of person that doesn't shove his feelings down. that kills someone in the blink of an eye. )
[ castiel isn't sure what he thought back then; he isn't sure he remembers himself the way he was. not in that haze, or even before it. what he thought, what he felt, even though only a month ago he was still traveling through the old familiar fog. but it isn't entirely dean's fault, if he thought dean didn't like him. he didn't like himself. the truth is — the horrible, brittle truth — is that he was happy, in his own way, despite all the pain. happy as anyone could be, in a situation that necessitated a casual bullet to anyone's head. he was at dean's side. for a while, he was even useful there.
he's just afraid, he thinks. afraid that, here, with the introduction of other people, people who could understand dean, that he'll lose what they had, where they teetered together, tip-toeing along the edge of the world. this world is different. dean is already changing by slow degrees. he's right that they're fucked up and that they'll fuck up. he knows dean will fuck up with other people too, that this growth isn't linear. but he could find better, here. and castiel is quickly becoming aware of this.
he just doesn't know if he can keep up.
but if dean does find a better friend, a better second, a better partner than him— doesn't he deserve it?
castiel can't help but snort. keep the candy. he'll remember that. then he shakes his head, squeezing dean's hand, hard. ]
You don't have to apologize for that.
I just mean— Us. You know. Like we were. I was your second.
[ his mouth goes soft and crooked in a smile, lids lowered. something eases in him. the tightness in the muscles running along his spine loosens with warmth. he would like to be that again. maybe, if he gets his powers back. maybe, he can be something, someone, again.
but he gets dean's meaning. 'us' has a certain connotation. ]
I want— I want to be what you need. Too.
[ he rubs his face again with his free hand, still holding onto dean's. he spent a long time learning what kind of casual physical intimacy was and wasn't acceptable between grown men, and he's always hated the reality. sex aside, he wants to touch and be touched. no one ever touched him, in heaven. ]
I shouldn't have sprung it on you like this. [ he adds, with a wince. ] I just got scared.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2024-09-27 03:36 am (UTC)[ it isn't a long walk down the hall, but some of the panic sloughs off castiel as they walk — he begins to explain, in a steadier voice, what happened. ]
I've been trying to get ahold of him for a couple of days now. At first, I figured he was just busy at work, but after the second day I knew something was ooff— So I tried to get ahold of Dean, because if anyone was gonna know where he is... [ of course it would be dean. ] But the message bounced back.
[ he cuts a quick glance aside. the gravity in his expression says: that's never a good thing. ]
I went to their apartment after that. Nobody was home. Checked in at where they work but nobody had seen them. So I went to the registry—
Dean's not in the city anymore.
And Cas is—
[ he stops in front of a door, and moves forward to open it. there's no dramatic pause. it's just another small, shitty motel-style room on the inside. two beds. castiel lies on one. asleep, seemingly. ]
He's in a coma. I've heard this happens, sometimes. I don't know why.
no subject
Date: 2024-09-27 02:14 pm (UTC)castiel did a lot of detective work.
he sees the seams around the man, the curated blaisser attitude anything but as he's practically frantic.
but he's also impressed.
feels bad for the former angel turned angel again that this was his life. he'd stopped by the soul cellar, but had he noticed if the other cas or dean weren't there? he too has just been going through the motions.
first dean looks inside. the door opens and the shitty tableau comes into focus.
then he approaches. he looks back once at his castiel, and then back, and he lowers himself to a crouch, studying the other cas. )
You said you went back home. For a month. ( he turns his head back again, questioning. logic - to a point - he can do. he can work in facts. not figures, really. but the facts he knew were so specific, and so fucked, for so long. ) Could this be that?
no subject
Date: 2024-09-27 02:33 pm (UTC)well, add it to the long list of things he doesn't want to think about. ]
I don't think it's same. [ there's disappointment in his voice. he would clearly like for it to be. ] I was gone, like Dean is gone now. Everyone thought I'd gone for good— Cas was upset about that, too.
[ they'd only known each other a month. but they were also the same person, so really, they'd known each other for a lifetime. castiel takes a deep breath and lets it out, slow, through his nose. ]
The last time I heard of this happening, the guy just... wasted away.
Sometimes they wake up.
no subject
Date: 2024-09-30 03:02 pm (UTC)dean inspects cas' body, his facial expression. despite the other dean being gone as his cas says, he's not giving up on this cas. )
Sometimes they wake up.
( he's not pep-talking again, and this isn't a panic attack on either end. but, he only has so much in him. he wishes he could bring the darkness out of castiel, can't take away anything he's been through, but he feels fundamentally different here than of what he remembers. but, if he's honest with himself, all he remembers is a drug-addled blind devotion. )
And you came back. ( so Dean could come back. he finally leans back and rises to his feet again. he wants to say anything that happens, they'll get through it. they always do. did they cheat death? he doesn't know. can cas? this cas? ) So, without the other Dean, he's uncontracted and they move him into this shithole. Great caretaking.
( that he hates more. )
I know you're scared. And I know this place hasn't given you a fair shake. ( he pauses, blinking only briefly. ) I'm barely on my feet here and some days I don't even know if I am here. But I am. And so are you. And Cas, until his body says otherwise, is here. He's asleep. And you can worry. But, you can't let this consume you. Look, I like you off drugs. You're real. Nothing against your orgies, but, you coped how you coped. I'm not knocking it. But, you found your thing. You had your solace and you had your loyalty and I want that for you here. ( he tilts his head, real concern etched on his face. ) I'm worried about you, man. And I know there's no one bandaid that'll fix it all. And I know you've been through shit. We don't wait for the worst case scenario. It's not what we do. Maybe, maybe think of this - all of this - as your new beginning. And it started out like shit. You know, it was like a freakin Monday. But, I'm here. And it's Wednesday. And there will be more Mondays. There are always more Mondays. But, there are other days of the week. Other months. Actual, ass-backwards holidays here. And, shit to look forward to. End of the day, I can't have you hopeless. Cause I won't make it. Maybe it was misplaced, ( or foolish ) or, something else, but it's what we had there. And there's no reason we can't have it here. I need you to hope for something Cas. Hope for the other Castiel to wake up. If Dean is gone - we know he's got something to get back to. Means there's still work to do. Maybe. Maybe our work gets to be done.
( he's not saying he's going to lay down and take it, like he's not going to try and free everyone eventually. but maybe there's a way to move forward here. he doesn't know, does he. but only one way they can find out. )
no subject
Date: 2024-09-30 03:16 pm (UTC)but something in his face softens at dean's words. they're surprisingly hopeful, after the five years they've had. maybe it's because lucifer isn't breathing down their necks, here. maybe it's because sam isn't tangled up in all this mess. or maybe dean is just tired of the way he was living before.
the reason doesn't matter. it matters that dean is saying these things to him. ]
You have me.
[ is the first thing he thinks to say. ]
Not saying there's no reason to be worried about me. But you have me. It's, um. Gonna be hard, though. Cas— Cas didn't have any hope for his future. He'd seen the whole thing. All the way up to his death. He'll have some time, at least, but...
[ it's a tragedy, plain and simple. thinking about it makes his guts knot and tangle. he shifts his weight from one heel to the other, crossing his arms across his chest as he frowns down at castiel's body. his eyes linger for a moment on the ring that he wears on his left hand. ]
Dean... If this is gonna be a new start. If you want me to think of it like that. There are some things we need to talk about.
no subject
Date: 2024-09-30 04:20 pm (UTC)or not.
the conversation shifts and dean shoves it in the back of his mind. other castiel will now be a project, too. it may not have been clear to them, or even to his other self, but dean survived because he had hope. if he had had no hope, than he wouldn't have been able to survive for all long as he had. carve what he could out of what was left.
dean does notice the other, unoccupied for the moment, bed. knowing this isn't their room, or space.
besides, it felt weird having a whole serious conversation in front of cas, comatose or not. dean still believes he's in there. so he's gonna respect that. )
Maybe we should pick this up back at my place. Give his new roommate some space.
no subject
Date: 2024-09-30 04:34 pm (UTC)[ he looks reluctant. not because he doesn't want to leave — it's depressing, hanging around here — but he's worried for cas' safety. he's going to have to find out who his roommate is and check in with them. and, if he isn't satisfied, drag castiel to his own room for safe keeping. there are things he wants to say to dean, things he wants to tell him about castiel's situation, but he isn't sure if it's better or not if he wait.
that's castiel's business, after all.
cas drags his eyes away and nods in agreement. ]
Let's go.
[ they take the stairs down. castiel stops at his own room to grab his coat before they ship off, walking shoulder to shoulder as they make their way to the elevator. but nobody bothers them, or even gives them so much as a second glance. they're let out into the grand, sprawling city minutes later, and by then it's only a short trip to the station. they find their seats on the train, and castiel kneels, smoothly, to sit by dean's feet.
the gawking looks of expectation and disapproval turn away from them when castiel makes it clear he's following by their rules. but he almost seems in his element, down here. relaxed and a little boneless, the way he leans in and his chest brushes dean's shin.
he sighs and rests his elbow against the bench seat. ]
... Cas is gonna be gutted. He lost everything.
no subject
Date: 2024-09-30 05:11 pm (UTC)down the stairs they go, dean giving his Castiel a minute in his room, taking one look inside. dump doesn't begin to cover it, but that's how they get people to contract, he figures.
they walk in silence, making it to the elevator. because Cas is in the presence of another Dominant, they don't question him. they only get the tell-tale looks of disappointment considering neither of them is contracted. but Dean is still a Dominant and they respect that.
the city comes into view and they're led out.
on the train, Dean forgets the hierarchy and almost says something with Castiel at his feet. but, when he's reminded that other people are doing the same, and some are in each other's laps, he can't help but roll his eyes at the performative nature of this place. he puts a hand on his castiel's shoulder next. yeah, yeah, he too is playing his part. )
He didn't lose everything. He's been there. We've lost people. It's a part of the job.
( he compartmentalizes it, sure, and this isn't what their job used to be. not at all. but it's how it works in his mind. )
What'd I say about hope. You think that doesn't include him.
( he'll talk to him, too, if he has to. )
no subject
Date: 2024-09-30 05:20 pm (UTC)he opens his eyes. ]
He might not listen to you.
He might not want anything to do with you.
[ he knows castiel, this castiel, better than dean does. maybe better than his dean did, too.
cas blinks. watches dean. ]
But I hope that's not how things go. I was... thinking you might contract him, actually. Temporarily. Help him get the apartment back. I know he has the money for it.
And, uh. If you contract us both, I can stay with him. Take care of him.
no subject
Date: 2024-09-30 05:49 pm (UTC)even for a short time, he could tell that that Castiel and that Dean were important enough to one another to sign on the dotted line.
there's a good word, though. a buzzword they should hang onto. hope. he hopes. he better keep hoping.
that said. )
Is it that easy?
( would he want that? and then. )
You want me to sign you both. ( for him? for the other castiel? he studies him. ) You know you have more here. You don't have to go all in on me.
( it's hilarious how opposite this sentiment is. from the other night with the panic attack, from him basically saying they're all a unit. )
How long do you have left with Artemis?
no subject
Date: 2024-09-30 05:56 pm (UTC)if dean weren't here, he wouldn't bother at all. maybe for cas, he would— but if cas wastes away...
but hope, yeah. that damned thing. ]
To the end of October. These comas, when they do wake up, tend to last about a month — maybe more, sometimes. So I should be free by the time he's up and at'em.
Besides— Maybe I wanna go all in on you. That is, if you wanna contract me too. There aren't a lot of people in this world I'd trust myself to, Dean, and I already chose you when I decided not to go back to Heaven. It's an easy choice.
But it's your choice, too. I won't push it.
no subject
Date: 2024-09-30 06:07 pm (UTC)( over time. slowly. but this cas, it doesn't remind him of either. it's like there are third and fourth and fifth versions of them just waiting to be sprung. but, he knows he has to be present, knows he has to be there for this cas. )
I'm not saying no. I'm also not saying I'm going to be good at it.
( when has he taken care of someone?
sam. his brother. he practically raised the kid. this isn't that. then why does it feel like that. why does it feel like, again, he's left to himself. to himself and cas, while Dean - and even the other Cas - are off doing god knows what.
but he reminds himself it's not the same, nobody is their dad. )
no subject
Date: 2024-09-30 06:13 pm (UTC)[ not out of obligation. not out of duty. though he wanted as much as dean did to save their world, and rip lucifer's claws from the earth. they didn't do that. they didn't make it. but they're here, now. dean is here. he's right here.
he hooks his fingers around dean's ankle and squeezes. ]
You've done a pretty good job so far.
But it's okay if you're not. We'll both have to learn.
[ just like how he'll have to learn to hope again. to flex that muscle. to remember that feeling. ]
no subject
Date: 2024-09-30 06:21 pm (UTC)and it cans still be true. not having anywhere to go can also make it true to want to stay. )
Literally. Never thought I'd be going back to school once a month. Think I should try to get an in with the teacher? Probably wouldn't be frowned upon here.
( he settles into natural banter, banter like he might have with sam.
if he admitted to himself, he missed sam. he always did. he locked him in a box because he said yes and then he was lost to him forever but how can't he miss his goddamn brother. )
no subject
Date: 2024-09-30 06:31 pm (UTC)but then sam disappeared, and dean needed him, and it was— it was different. everything was different, after that. he knows dean misses his brother. he knows he's a poor replacement, if he's any replacement at all. but it gave them something new in common: their families ripped out of them by an inexact surgeon, leaving the bloody gaping wound forever raw.
and then the angels abandoned the earth, and— fuck them. and fuck god, too, for abandoning him with all the rest.
dean is the only one left who hasn't.
unless you count that imperious march to the death. and castiel doesn't. dean was just giving him what he wanted — whether he knew it it or not. ]
Frowned upon? It's probably encouraged.
[ castiel lets his eyes drift closed, and leans a little harder against dean's shin. soon enough, the train rolls to a stop, and calls the name of dean's neighborhood. ]
no subject
Date: 2024-09-30 06:41 pm (UTC)letting go, he falls into step with him along his usual route back to the Up tower.
back inside, he drops his keys in the little bowl (what a waste of a piece of ... decoration?) and shrugs off his jacket. he tosses it over the couch with a sigh. he knows he was trying to stay straight. but one beer won't hurt.
and so wordlessly, he moves into the kitchen. he takes two beers out. the opener practically lives on the counter and not in the drawer, so he makes quick work of both caps. returning to cas, he offers him the beer and clinks his' neck against cas' )
Cas isn't going anywhere.
( and then he drinks. you hear him? )
no subject
Date: 2024-09-30 06:49 pm (UTC)he watches dean get out the beers with his hip leaned against the side of the counter, and takes what's offered to him, arm outstretched, the necks of their bottles making a bright, hollow sound that echoes in the apartment, empty other than them. ]
Okay.
[ he tries to smile. tries to make it say 'i believe you'. dean is trying for him. that means a lot.
but the beer, and the mention of castiel, reminds him of the other, as yet unmentioned topic. ]
Uh... what I wanted to talk about before...
It's actually not directly related to the contracts. I was gonna bring it up either way.
[ though he supposes it's apropos. ]
no subject
Date: 2024-09-30 07:09 pm (UTC)( he goes through the mail he'd emptied earlier today on the counter. junk, junk. LIEs something or other. he sets his beer down and uses a finger to tear open the envelope, pulling out the card.
not the time for that, he thinks, tucking it back in. )
Well, spit it out. What did you want to talk to me about?
no subject
Date: 2024-09-30 07:13 pm (UTC)it isn't that kind of want.
castiel takes a deep breath. it's strange, how he can feel his own heart beating inside his chest. ]
I'd like for us to have a sexual relationship.
no subject
Date: 2024-09-30 08:08 pm (UTC)if he was honest with himself, he knew a long time ago his sexuality was a lot more complicated. but, the apocalypse and a decided lack of time to focus on such things meant that everything else landed on the backburner. even any deeper feeling he had about, well, anything.
so, to be confronted with it head on. here. to strap back into fearless leader mode again, after a couple weeks of shaking that Dean off. he doesn't know.
he knows being with Cas back at camp felt good. all sex felt good, it was sex. he knows he couldn't bask in it. he had to get up, had to lace his boots, had to move on to the next mission, problem, opportunity. it wasn't about cas because it couldn't be about cas. just like it wasn't about jane or maura or any of the other girls at camp.
but would they ask him that here? would they be important enough to end up here to say it outright, like that? )
Gee, buy a guy dinner first, Cas.
( he doesn't know if it's the transactional - matter-of-fact nature of what he's just been told. but.
it doesn't ring great.
apparently he has feelings about this. )
Please tell me you don't approach everyone like that. And, if you do, I'd love to hear your success rate, 'cause I've been doing it wrong my entire life in that case.
( would it be different if Cas came out and said he liked him. that dean made him safe. that he doesn't feel good with anyone else. that he doesn't know what he would do without him? he knows all of that so why does dean want to hear it. why does he need to.
and why does he know it's going to push him away because he shouldn't like someone like that, trust someone like that. )
no subject
Date: 2024-09-30 08:22 pm (UTC)maybe, one day, they can get there. but for now— ]
I've never asked anyone for this before.
[ for sex, yes. a sexual relationship? the closest thing he has is with castiel. there are no other regulars. occasional flings, people who are almost friends. maybe. he blinks several times. his hands are shaking, a little, and he tightens his grip on the bottle until his fingertips turn white. he can't remember the last time he was this nervous.
it's almost refreshing, for something to actually matter this much to him. ]
I'm asking because this is something I want for myself.
With you.
If this is supposed to be a new start. Like you said. I can't just keep hoping you'll get drunk enough, like how it used to go.
[ of course those nights meant more to him.
they always do. ]
And I don't want it to be like that anymore in the first place. I want it to be— [ his fingers tighten on the bottle. if were still an angel, it might shatter. he feels more brittle. ] —real.
no subject
Date: 2024-09-30 08:43 pm (UTC)( he's not trying to dismiss him, but he feels like he needs to recover from the blunt attempt at -- what? sex? courtship? he wants a sexual relationship? it's all dean's done lately, fuck buddies who know each other and then resent each other and then everyone is free. this wouldn't be that.
he's not oblivious, he can see how nervous he is. the small spikes of anxiety. his dismissive nature probably isn't helping things along. why is he so surprised
this is what he asked, anyway? and is he? surprised?
he sighs.
those nights were few and far between and maybe at the very back of his mind he knew what they meant to him. but he could never carry that, not if he wanted everyone to survive another day. to sort through how it made him feel? how safe and taken care of he felt? if not safe, quiet. for once his mind was quiet. it must be like what cas has here. no angel radio. no intrusive thoughts. he knows it's not like that for cas, though. )
I - ( he knows he needs to be careful. and needs to -- know how he feels before he even - he sighs. ) I get it. Tact never really sunk in, even in human flavor Cas. ( that he can see. ) It's not that I - ( he pauses, trying to pick another lane. ) I don't want to hurt you.
( he feels like it's all he's able to do. hurt people. because? hurt people hurt people. )
You don't just want sex, Cas. You want more. Relationship. And I don't -- ( know if he can even do that.
but a bone he can throw? that he owes him. ) I was never that drunk. Couldn't afford to be. Shit hits the fan. ( and he has to be up. ready. ) Tolerance like mine never goes away and - ( is he -- proud of that? no. ) We didn't just drink - or - we talked. And we laughed. You were still the former angel and you say funny shit, Cas. Always did. It's why I'm worried about you here. Because, even under the influence, you kept me sane. And you made me laugh.
( late at night. drinking. )
You want a sexual relationship, but you want a relationship. I can sign a contract. I can - we - ( he pauses. ) I can promise safety. And, a roof. And your confidence. I'm not going anywhere. I'm not looking for something else, but I know how this city works. And I know who I am. And I don't know what else I can promise. And ( he decides to say the rest. ) if you do better as trying to seduce me, better than wanting a sexual relationship, dude. We've been there. And I would again. Not tonight, not -- ( he can't help but smirk. ) Points for trying. But. The best I can give you right now is I don't know. I don't know what else there is.
( he couldn't have it. he couldn't let himself have it. )
no subject
Date: 2024-09-30 08:55 pm (UTC)[ he rubs his thumb and forefinger into his eyes until they burn. ]
And yeah, I know my approach needs work.
[ castiel smiles, wry. he almost laughs. it's there in the vibration of his voice and on the tip of his tongue, but he can't quite force the sound out. there are fine tremors running down the muscles of his arms, making his fingers twitch around the bottle. he has to set it down, and he frowns at himself for his weakness, but even as he reels with the shock of dean's knowledge, his attention is entirely for dean. the things he's saying. the things he means, behind the things he's saying. this isn't easy for him either, that doesn't escape him — he wants to make it easier.
he just doesn't know how.
when dean is finished, he casts his eyes down. licking his lips in a learned nervous gesture. he chews the inside of his cheek. habits he picked up from dean, maybe. or from someone else in camp. chuck was full of nervous gestures, wasn't he? ]
I'm glad you weren't that drunk.
[ his voice is hushed, as his eyes dart up. ]
You don't have to promise me anything else. [ you don't have to promise anything, he wants to say. but he can't. ] It's just. Well. As much fun as seduction is, I don't want to have to seduce you every time. What if— What if I fuck up? [ his heart trips over the thought, and he interjects on himself, ] I'm afraid of fucking up. Isn't it easier if we're honest with each other? I'd like to be able to ask you, if I need you. And the same for you. Not tonight, that's fine— But I just want to be able to say it.
You're right. [ as miserable as he is to admit it, now, when he had hoped to do this under completely different circumstances. ] I want a relationship. But that's not what I'm asking you for. I'm not even sure I'm capable of having the kind of relationship you're taking about. What I'm asking you for is... is support. For, um. Intimacy.
[ castiel gestures, abortive. he takes a step toward dean, reacing out, looking at dean and not quite looking, his mouth a nervous twist as he glances up through his eyelashes. ]
But I want to be safe, too, when this place forces me to do things I'd rather not do. It's frustrating, Dean. I want this to be about us, but the city is never going to let us be.
no subject
Date: 2024-10-01 04:57 pm (UTC)he can see the weight in cas' eyes, his billion year existence. dean failing everyone, for feeling like he did, failing his brother. and then the weight of not being anymore. camp angel started to mean something else.
but he can also see the other weight, the horror and the reality of what it's been like. to live here. and it just about breaks his heart.
had he not known? not understood his tolerance? not understood he liked his company? even after his grace faded. even after he stepped aside as his number two because it became too dangerous. dean thought cas would always be a soldier first, but can hardly blame him for seeking something else. seeking a high. it wasn't his place to say anything and if he was back at camp, then he was safe.
the quick pace of his heart slows down. cas is as lost as he is, so at least that's true between them. that's real.
they have intimacy. he's honest with himself about that. less than they used to and even then, way way back, it was cas' forced 'being right there' that did it, that gave way to being brothers in arms. against the world - literally. he's asking for a lot in a very rudimentary way but it helps to hear the building blocks that he needs. now if only he were better with words
he reaches his hand out, grasping cas'. tightly. )
You're safe. When it comes to me. You're safe.
( he'd go out of his way not to hurt cas and to not get him hurt. he's proven that. sure, they don't always make the best calls. and they hurt each other. and they isolate. and they fuck up and come back the fuck together. and then they separated for the last time. he still hasn't asked. he assumes. he knows what comes next. and it's a part of why he's so hell bent on going on to the next.
the 'us' trips him up, because is he good enough to even be a part of an 'us,' even in name only. in intimacy. in a relationship by any other name but smells like -- support. support, dean can do. )
I'm not saying I need you to seduce me. Or, vice versa. You ever see me sprinkle rose petals up to a bed? Buy a bear holding a heart in a bucket of candy? ( he pauses. ) Scratch the bear. Keep the candy. ( he reracks his mind again, like a pool table. ) You're gonna fuck up like I'm gonna fuck up. ( you think he landed every babe he came across on the road? yes. almost every, but not every. ) But, if we're going to do this, then, yeah, you have to be honest, you have to say the hard thing. And the hard thing is -- you're saying 'Us.' And, being an 'Us' with me. I don't know how it's going to go. I know I'm going to fuck it up. I know this city is going to fuck it up. But, what we need to remember. You. Me. Keep our eye on the prize, cause we know each other. I'm - sorry I didn't see this. I didn't see anything back there. I saw what was in front of me, I heard hoofbeats and that's all I could see.
( somewhere along the line, he stopped seeing Cas. they were one at one time. he taught him how to lead. stood by his side. stepped up. he never forgot him, never stopped caring about his friend.
but he iced over. slowly but surely, piece by piece. with every death. every new infection. he couldn't afford not to. )
But, I see you here, man. And I'm going to try. To be better. To be a person. The kind of person you need.
( the kind of person that doesn't shove his feelings down. that kills someone in the blink of an eye. )
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Date: 2024-10-01 05:24 pm (UTC)he's just afraid, he thinks. afraid that, here, with the introduction of other people, people who could understand dean, that he'll lose what they had, where they teetered together, tip-toeing along the edge of the world. this world is different. dean is already changing by slow degrees. he's right that they're fucked up and that they'll fuck up. he knows dean will fuck up with other people too, that this growth isn't linear. but he could find better, here. and castiel is quickly becoming aware of this.
he just doesn't know if he can keep up.
but if dean does find a better friend, a better second, a better partner than him— doesn't he deserve it?
castiel can't help but snort. keep the candy. he'll remember that. then he shakes his head, squeezing dean's hand, hard. ]
You don't have to apologize for that.
I just mean— Us. You know. Like we were. I was your second.
[ his mouth goes soft and crooked in a smile, lids lowered. something eases in him. the tightness in the muscles running along his spine loosens with warmth. he would like to be that again. maybe, if he gets his powers back. maybe, he can be something, someone, again.
but he gets dean's meaning. 'us' has a certain connotation. ]
I want— I want to be what you need. Too.
[ he rubs his face again with his free hand, still holding onto dean's. he spent a long time learning what kind of casual physical intimacy was and wasn't acceptable between grown men, and he's always hated the reality. sex aside, he wants to touch and be touched. no one ever touched him, in heaven. ]
I shouldn't have sprung it on you like this. [ he adds, with a wince. ] I just got scared.
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